Making It On Your Donezo List

I built a friendship through a mutual love for Zachary Levi. A really good friendship. I actually used this friend to see First Date for the first time because she had a car and her license and I didn’t. And I didn’t have friends to go with me. And my anxiety was too strong to go to NYC alone. So I asked her to go and she did, and a bond like no other blossomed between us. 

We were polar opposites but it worked because our friendship never dulled. We never ran out of things to talk about. We respected one another’s likes and dislikes, and we listened as we gushed over the things that maybe we didn’t always see eye to eye about. Like she hunted and I wasn’t about that life, but the joy etched on her face as she talked about it…I couldn’t ever take that away from her. 

The only things we had in common were our fondness of cats, getting drunk, and Zac Levi. We didn’t even like the same kind of music. 

A two year friendship ended because of me. Because of my temper and my inability to stop myself from saying horrible things. Because I can’t stop and think before I speak. And I’ve tried to correct this, but I can’t. I’ve been trying for years and I still find myself pushing everyone I love and care about away. 

I’m a horrible person. I’m not nice when I’m tested, I get offended easily, I’m quick to jump to conclusions. I push people to the edge and get upset when they step off. I’m not a good friend or person. I don’t think I ever will be. 

I miss this friend. I miss her every single day. I wish I still had her around to see She Loves Me with, and drink and watch Parks And Rec with, and swim with, and read books with, and go to Disney World with. I miss her so much and I wish I could fix this, but I can’t. And I hate myself for it. 

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