I haven’t written here in a really long time it feels like, and I don’t really know why. Writing is something that comes so naturally to me. I write so many things–literally, everything from poetry to fiction to magazine articles. I’ve strayed from blogging, though, and I miss it.
So, here’s an update:
Depression is so hard to deal with. Sure, I’m stable. I’m not actively crying every single day of my life. I don’t have set plans to kill myself. I don’t self-harm or do drugs or binge drink. I don’t act on my self-image issues even though I want to.
I am literally just living. But living is so hard when everything good in your life is ripped out from under you all within a month. From car accidents, to fights splitting up your family, to losing your job because of the previous two things.
It’s…hard. And I take a lot of time to reflect on things when all I can actually do is lay in bed and stare at the ceiling.
I miss people. I miss experiences. I miss last year when I felt my happiest. I find it really hard to look back on who was in my life on February 25 last year and who isn’t in it this year, where I’m at career-wise and my mental health.
Sure, I’m happy. I love who’s here now, I love waking up every morning physically healthy, and I love what my life has given me up to this point. But I’m still depressed. And that’s what depression is. It doesn’t stop because you suddenly have someone you love deeply in your life, it doesn’t stop when you have a good job and start back up when you lose it.
It’s always there, like summer gnats on a sweaty forehead.
I guess I just wanted to write to complain and get it out. I can’t even focus enough to end this.